When The Lights Go Down

Actually, it's when the lights go up or get more intense like spotlights. You blink, you cover your face and eyes, yo cower, you tend to shrink and retire. It's hard, especially late at night. I call it running and working and producing on empty. That's a good thing seeing and feeling so intensely now how high the cost of gas is. We'll have to be more self-propelled, more independent on our own me means of getting on and around. I don't mind. I only mind the loneliness and the glare of really late at night when everyone else sleeps really seems to weigh that much more on my shoulders and press the air from my loungs as if someone was sitting right on my chest. It's disquieting, frightening. To be alone is a scary thing. To feel it keenly is even scarier. I feel that way, isolated and abandoned to a large extent. Why? Why me ? What do I do to foster and encourage this? Am I my worst enemy? Am I being self-absorbed to such an abnormal extent that I'm also really self-destructive and rushing my death much more than it really needs? These are questions that loom before me now more than ever.
I'm not especially comforted by any of this. I'm glad that I'm aware of my personal ( is it unique ? ) situation and I plan to act and do something about it. Exactly how much good it will do, or harm I have no way of knowing. I can't be so concerned with that. I have to pay attention to the act of doing things, of reacting to situations especially my own and not hiding it or behind it. I'm past that time in my life.
It's an exciting time here in my life. I feel like I'm at many crossroads and I don't have a bloody clue where any of them will lead me. I'm not cowered by that. I'm ready for what I discover and will deal with it - as much of all of it as I possibly can at any given time. Even at night when I feel really squeezed and consticted. That's okay. I'm a survivor and I really want to live fully to the next moment to be able to continue and grow and smile and feel like I have a small bit of control on my life that's starting now as I type these thoughts that have just surfaced for me for the millionth time. I'm repetitive if I'm anything. Now I plan to turn any or all of this repetitiveness into moments that are good and helpful to me in leading the rest of my life with warmth and satisfaction as well as grist and grind and moments of utter despair and slashing/gashing/blood-letting times of feeling completely, supremely alone.
Chin up, it's just a moment, just a mood, it will pass and I will rise the next morning and smile and say to myself that I am blessed to be alive : and so very happy to be alive. TONY