It's finally the beginning of the weekend for me and I'm feeling the rush of relief and enthusiasm that I get when I know that the next two days will in part be mine, in part be my family's. We share everything; or at least many things. There are just some things that are difficult to share. I barely acknowledge them for fear of setting off something tumultuous in me/ my life : so how can I possibly share them with my family. YET, That's precisely what I should be doing. Why am I holding back, what's so fearful about that anyway ? What do I have to hide ? What's so evil hiding inside of me ?
I'm relieved, really to begin such a frank conversation. It's easier with strangers. It's exciting, like revealing some extra skin - the skinny on me/ on things pertaining to how I perceive things. What a bunch of mumbo jumbo! What a crock! Who am I kidding ? Who am I impressing? I should get a life. I do have a life. I do do many things, all the time. I'm so busy doing things that I have trouble fixing on what's most important to me now : reaching - for - out - stretching - I'm exposing more of myself to myself for examination and setting myself up to succeed or fail at first till I try again then again then once more. Anyway, it's imperative that I move in this direction. Of this I have never been more sure of than just about anything else in my life that touches me and my life at this particular time.
What's so important about now? I don't have time to throw away any more. This IS my time. This is the turning point. I'm ready to come clean, to take the risk of another movement to expose more of what I'm thinking and planning. My plan is a bit vague, I know it's not really fully-formed. It's just a lot of sensations coming into focus more clearly than ever before. I've never felt more acutely aware of myself and my present situation whatever that is ? Who cares/ Why should I ?
I do care. I hope I'm not vain or at least too vain. I want to be humble, to be thankful, to be grateful for what I have. I want to reach out to more people that may respond to my thoughts so spontaneous and so quickly linked from one to another that I most surely would not be able to retrace my steps and get back to where I started. That's okay. That's fine by me. Let's hear it for making / taking some big / bigger steps than usual. It's a step after a step after another that will finally bring me to another vantage point that may be of more impact on my life and it's direction that I could have possibly ever imagined before. I'll let you know soon. Cheers, TONY
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