Dead Last Night!

I could not believe how dead and listless : crusty, flaky and OVER I felt last night : like I had been Dyson-vacuumed and everything - all my inards and even my bones and most of my skin and hair had been flushed out of me leaving me very little - little indeed left behind to amass and do anything with ! What was I to do ? I wanted to blog, really : I wanted to rally and yet there was on this time, place and moment NOTHING, absolutely nothing to scratch together, to bind, to mold, to combine, to FIND under things, SO OFTEN I FIND THINGS when I scratch around, when I attempt, when I crank even badly crank myself, slap, spank, whip?!? Should I have resorted to being a bit more violent? Should I have FORCED SOMETHING!? Probably so but I don't know if I would have wanted to share that with you all. I did not want to regret my blog.

I was scared of what I might have written, in desperation, in panic, in quickness just TO BE DONE WITH THE WHOLE BLOODY MESS! Give me some peace, please! I need a rest! I need a vacation! My bones and muscled hurt, I'm certainly not washed up ( au contraire! ) and yet I need a rest, to get off my feet, to relax without feeling guilty about it - that I'm not accomplishing something.

I sat here at the computer and stared at the computer. I scratched my balls. I squinted from the blast of light coming out of the screen : relentless! I cowered, I wanted to hide. TURN OFF the lights please! I glare was too much and hurt. And yet I wanted to write something but what ? What jewels did I have to share with you at this particular point and time, that would mean something, be of interest/ a catalyst to you? I scratched my balls again. NOTHING. Oh well, that's best sometimes. I was so very much at rock bottom and on empty that whatever I might have written would have been raw, unfiltered, crude, black oil, molasses, my nectar unedited and un-fined, unfiltered, too. Would you have welcomed that? Would that have been a meaningful glimpse of kinds, valuable and worthy of having included here? YOU BET YOUR ASS it would, I'm partly smiling, just a small pure one now : I wish I had !

So Here's to the memory recaptured, fined, refined, edited and repackaged of what might have been - what I might have shared. Till the next time. I'm thrilled to have this tool to share myself/things filtered through my seven senses with you - and with me, of course. I learn to in this doing whether easy or hard.

Last night would have just been too hard. Sorry, my lose definitely : perhaps yours, too. TONY